Top Ten Annoying Things People Say To Adoptive Parents That, Even Though They Mean Well, Drive Adoptive Parents Up A Tree

Okay, people, listen up: I know adoption is not an issue you run into every day. I know this. But this should not be an excuse to keep you from educating yourselves on how to behave when you come face-to-face with a real live adoptive family. ‘Cause some of you, and you know who you are, just ain’t right.

Now, don’t get me wrong: we adoptive parents have no problem with being asked about adoption – frankly, sometimes it’s our favourite topic of conversation. It’s how you ask these questions and make these comments that make us twitch. So, ever the giver, for today’s public service announcement I thought I’d present to you the Top Ten Annoying Things People Say to Adoptive Parents That, Even Though They Mean Well, Drive Adoptive Parents Up a Tree. When appropriate, I’ll even present the right way to say these things – if even (with all due respect) it’s not your place to say these things at all. Please pay close attention. Feel free to take notes if you have to. But, on behalf of adoptive families everywhere, the boneheadedness must stop.

To wit:

10. “You look like you could be her real mother.” Newsflash, people: I am her real mother. Not only that, in about 6 weeks I’m going to have in my hot little hands actual real-live, no-foolin’ court papers that say so. Nonetheless, the phrase I believe you’re looking for is “biological mother” or “birthmother.” And to respond to your comment – yes, I agree – I think she looks like Marcus and me as well.

9. “Did you get to meet her father?” Yup. In fact, I married him.

Please see Number 10, above, and re-word your question appropriately.

8. “That’s such a kind, charitable thing you did, adopting Alex.” Well, that’s sweet that you think Marcus and I are such angels (and funny you should mention it, we’re having our wings dry-cleaned as I type), but make no mistake: the primary reason we adopted Alex is because we wanted a child. It was not an act of charity.

So, now that we’ve admitted this, you think we’re selfish little pigs, don’t you?

7. “Oh, you had your baby the easy way.” Well, if by “easy way” you mean filling out enough paperwork to make “War and Peace” look like a comic book, undergoing background checks, home checks and some very personal interview questions in the hope that the social worker will actually fall for the ruse that Marcus and I are sane enough to raise a family, nervously meeting the birthmother, and then waiting while she gives birth, hoping against hope that she’s taking care of herself well enough so as not to hurt the unborn child, fixing up a nursery and picking out names, but then finally enduring 48 hours from the bowels of hell in complete and abject panic as we fervently expect that since the birthmother has now seen the beautiful little girl who came out of her body, there is no way on God's creation she’s going to place her child with Paranoid Me and My Crazy Husband, rendering Paranoid Me and My Crazy Husband helpless and powerless and back to square one again, then yes, I suppose we did get our daughter the “easy way.”

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve never given birth to a child, so I would never presume to believe that adoption is harder than childbirth. But don’t believe that adoption is “easy” – it was, in fact, the most excruciatingly emotional process that Marcus and I have ever been through in our collective lives, albeit with an unbelievably happy ending. And, relatively speaking, we were pretty lucky – I don’t even want to think of what adoptive families who deal with the nightmare of infertility on top of all of this must endure.

And speaking of birthmothers:

6. “You know the birthmother?! Wow. Aren’t you afraid she’s going to stalk you?” Wow indeed – you’ve obviously been watching waaaay too many after-school specials. No, we’re not afraid. Yes, we have a relationship with Alex’s birthmother – we speak on the phone, and I send her family photos of Marcus, Alex and I. And, surprise, surprise, the more we get to know her, the more comfortable she feels about her decision to place Alex with us. And this comfort, you’ll be relieved to know, has been scientifically proven to be one of the main suppressors of the Stalking Reflex. See how that works?

5. “Aren’t you afraid that your daughter may have inherited some of her birthparents’ less desirable traits?” No. Aren’t you afraid yours has?

Sorry, got a little bitter, there. But you get my point.

4. “So what’s wrong with her birthmother? Why did she get pregnant if she wasn’t going to keep her?” This question REALLY fries my egg. I have no idea why Alex’s birthmother makes the life decisions she does, but you know what? It’s SO not my place to judge her, nor is it really any of my business. All I do know is that Alex’s birthmother is a good person, and is trying to make her way through life the best way she knows how – pretty much like the rest of us on this planet are.

And that’s really all I have to say about that.

3. “Are you going to let Alex meet her birthmother?” Alex is adopted, she’s not in prison. We wouldn’t think of keeping Alex from learning anything about her life, including meeting her birthmother, if that’s what she wants.

2. “Are you going to tell Alex she’s adopted?” Nah, we thought we’d keep it a secret.

Of COURSE, we’re going to tell her. We’re going to tell her that we chose to adopt because we knew that her little soul was out there waiting for us to be her parents. And that we were there in the delivery room, desperately waiting to welcome her to the world and our family on the day she was born. And because she has the undying love that she has from Marcus, me and her birthmother, she’s a pretty extra-special kid.

Besides, if we weren’t going to tell her, why would we tell you?

And the Number One Annoying Thing People Say to Adoptive Parents:

1. “She’s so lucky.” Please. Not a day goes by when I don’t thank the Lord above for my amazing husband and our incredible daughter. Marcus and I are so-very-much-more the lucky ones.

And I bet if you ask her that when she’s about 13, she’ll agree.

Comments

[Kimberly]

I couldn't agree with your list more...

[Wendy]

Well said!

Just today a lady I know from church made some comments to me about the impending arrival of our 3 from Ethiopia that nearly sent ME up a tree.

"So is their mom dead, or did she just give them up?"

"Wow--you're just an amazing person to do that. I could NEVER do it."

"Did their parents die from AIDS?"

Some people are so tactless and downright RUDE! I really have to restrain myself from strangling some people.

I also hate when I complain about dumb comments we get and the person I'm complaining to says, "Well you have to expect that since you have adopted your kids." Really?! That's part of the adoption process?

Anyway, loved the way you responded to those ridiculous questions. If you ever want to read some I wrote, go here:

http://wendyirene.com/12801.htm

and here:

http://wendyirene.com/answers.htm

Amazingly one stupid guy we knew read the "answers for the curious" and everytime he saw us, he'd laugh and say," I got some dog food for your kids at home." He seriously thought it was funny.

[Natalie]

You go AHEAD, my girl.

[Rachael]

Wow, I mean I know people are inconsiderate, but come on. I loved your responses though. I am 7 months pregnant right now, and let me tell you, it is much easier to grow them. I can't imagine going through that stress.
I had to laugh at the one "are you going to tell her she's adopted". Some people...

[Brat]

Oh girrrrrrrrrrrl, I wish you had posted this blog just one day earlier. I had some folks that could have really benefitted from it.

Two months ago, I was happily telling our adoption story to some co-workers, saying how much we loved the birthfamily, etc. Someone asked how old the father is and I said, "Oh, about 36," and smiled. That's my husband's age, of course, and everyone present got the point.

Not five minutes later, a co-worker (let's call her A) who had been sitting right next to me was talking about another adoption story and said, "Well, his REAL parents..." and shot a glance at me. I let it slide.

But then just Wednesday, A and I were excitedly chatting about someone we knew who'd found his birthfamily with another co-worker, who we'll call B. B said, "Well, he found his real mom!" Very nonthreateningly I said, "you mean his birthmom, I'm my daughter's real mom." Both A and B glanced at me blankly, and then continued talking. Maybe it was the excitement of the subject at hand, and I should have let this slide as well, but I was getting tired of the allusion in my offices that adoptive parents are artificial parents. Especially when they know one! And as you stated, it is worse after you've been through the journey of infertility, only to be treated as though the child you embrace and love with all your heart as though she had grown inside you is, well, not "real"ly yours.

Call me passive-aggressive, but I was so ticked, I went to my desk and forwarded a cheesy website to them with a list of positive vs. negative adoption terminology. (Wish I'd know this was in your blog!) A apologized profusely, and said she didn't understand why she said what she did when she is aware of the correct terminology. B got ticked, and appears to not be speaking to me.

Oh well.

At least they know now what not to say in front of me or my daughter. I usually don't get completely riled up, but when you think someone should know better, and she considers herself not just your co-worker but your friend, it's worse. A is completely aware of my struggles, so it really doesn't make sense.

Thanks for the vent space! I feel ya.

[Denise - AIM]

Ok Karen, here's my all time comment. I get this ALL THE TIME! Yes as you know, I am an older, caucasion mother with two older (18 year old twins from Nicaragua) and 2 younger (5 and 2 today HAPPY BIRTHDAY MACEY!) African American angels from here. HOwever, I want to DECK the folks that say:

1. OHHHH I see you are a foster mother!
2. OHHHH your grandchildren are so pretty!
3. Your husbands black? (this comes after I say NO THEY ARE MY CHILDREN!) (of course looking at the girls and how beautiful they are I guess I should take some thrill in this that they think that half of that beauty came from me! HAHAHA)
4. Why did you adopt black children and/or international children when their are so many white children out there?

Grrrrrrrrrrr...my hairs on my arms and neck are standing up just typing these.

BUT MY ALL TIME FAVORITE COMMENT to all adoption questions/comments etc. came from MANDY, my absolutely BEAUTIFUL 5 year old who went to pre-K this last year and says to the teacher.

Mandy: "HEY did you know my mommy's tummys broke?"
Teacher: "No really?"
Mandy: "Yep but its ok she only likes brown babies. So when she wants one she goes to these BIGGGGGGGGGGG buildings, looks in these BIGGGGGGGGGG windows, picks out the brown babies and takes em home!"

And thats how it all happens according to Mandy, sure wish it has been that easy, but it sure shuts some up!!! :)

Love y'all, give Alex a smooch from Auntie Neice and tell her I got Toby Keith tickets at the pavillion for August 13th if she wants to come along!! :)

Denise

[Angie]

HUGS. I am in tears. I know how much you wanted a baby! It doesn't make you selfish, it makes you normal! I am so glad you got Alex and she got you. You are all perfect for each other!

[shannon]

HUZZAH! A great list. Our homestudy isn't finished yet and we already get about half these on a weekly basis (along with a few choice others related to transracial adoption).
We consider it as an opportunity to practice not ripping strangers' heads off in front of our child...

[Karen M]

Very well said, Karen. I really, really enjoyed reading your answers! Our list is a lot shorter and usually centers around the phrase, "Wow! You look just like her real parents!" On a bad day, people get their heads taken off. On a good day, I laugh loudly enough to attract attention and point in the offending person's direction. Works every time...

[Brat]

Told myself I'd shut up about this topic, but after coming back and reading these responses I have to add...I, too, enjoy doing the "laughing and pointing" thing, when I'm in the mood.

Also thought I'd add the all-time worst thing someone has *ever* said to me.

My daughter, then two months old, was sitting in my lap, drooling. A woman--who knows she was adopted--came up to me and said, "Ewwww, was she born drug addicted?"

I didn't laugh that time. Though flabbergasted, God granted me the strength to calmly listen w/o feeling hurt. I'm glad, because after several more negative comments--such as, "YOU got maternity leave?--she practically broke down and said she'd had some problems conceiving and probably would "have to adopt." (Sigh) It was a good oppty to educate and alleviate her fears.

If she said the same thing today...well, I dunno...I can only hope.

[cathy]

A lot of that stupid talk is ingrained in the culture and just comes out of people when their mouths aren't fully connected to their brains. There are so many sources-- from Dickens novels to the Little House on the Prairie tv show and books everyone read when they were kids like "The Boxcar Children" where children are abandoned and taken in by caring adults. "Lucky" is just a stupid word--especially used to describe something you took such an active part in.

When I meet someone with a new baby, I rave about the baby's beauty, perfection or other obvious good points, and say "Congratulations!" to the parent/s. I figure that pretty much covers the bases, whether the babe is adopted or not.

---

(Oh, and an aside to Brat about your drooling baby--I have two sons in their late teens, one didn't drool much, the other spent the first two+ years of his life with a damp neck and shirt. The non-drooler has had many fillings in his teeth over the years, while the drooler has reached 18 without a single filling. A dentist told me that people with more active saliva glands have cleaner, less-cavity or plaque-prone teeth. So, yay for the droolers!)

[Robin]

This is wonderful. You should write a book!

[Twyla]

ok, # 5 is my favorite !!

[Heather]

I was wondering if anyone has made assumptions about your fertility since you chose to adopt? Or is that in a category of its own? I am guessing that most people assume that you cannot give birth to a child so you adopted one instead. Or has anyone thought that you didn't want to lose your figure so you adopted to avoid that? (Trust me, I have heard people say that about others) I guess the majority of people are well-meaning in what they say, but even if you have birthed a child, it is unbelievable what people will say to you. You wouldn't believe the comments I get because my daughter has blue eyes (mine are brown!). Or the "your baby is cold, you should cover her up" kind of stuff (oh really? did she telepathically transmit that to you? because she didn't say a thing to me!) It's weird how babies/children are seen as public domain.

Anyway, I have passed your blog onto friends of mine that are adopting from China because they will appreciate your responses to the stupid questions! Thanks!!!!

[Dianne]

I'm adopted and you put it very well! Just wait until Alex gets old enough that people start telling her stupid things. I have had people tell me things like, "Oh I'm sorry." What's there to be sorry about? My parents are wonderful! And the one that really irks me to no end is, "Do you want to find your real parents?" What they're lost? Last time I checked I know exactly where they live and that would be in the house I grew up in. The people who raise you are your parents. The people who love you beyond words are your parents. I've always known I was adopted and I've never had any issues with it because of this. I think people are just unfeeling in some cases. I now have a 14 month old daughter of my own and although she isn't adopted I hope to teach her that families are made in many different ways.

[Busy Mom]

I am adopted and Dianne said everything very well.

The "do you want to find your real parents?" thing is what I get most often. Though I have a standard response to that, I like hers better!

[kym]

Busymom told me about your post... AMEN! Had I known this was here, I would have just linked to it vs. going on my own rant ;)

[thesoulofhope]

Wow, this was interesting to read, I wonder if my parents got these questions after they adopted me.

[Janna]

OK, I read this list a long time ago and I try to read it now and then to remind myself not to be a schmuck. I'm one of those - Oh my sister's adopted! People are like - OK, so o o oo o o oo????

I've meant to comment before, now I'm doing it - I will say I probably told you "Alexis is so lucky to have you and Marcus as parents!" BUT in my defense! There are a few really cool couples I know and I think their kids are so LUCKY to have them as parents!! It has nothing to do with - lucky b/c you adopted her - it's lucky b/c - Damn, I wish I had you and Marcus for parents and lived the very cool life - bugs and all - that y'all live!! Tim and Angela - another couple that I say - damn, little Evan is so lucky to have you as parents b/c y'all are a really great pair!! Anyway, I think y'all are more than lucky to have such a wonderful person in your life as Alexis, but she's lucky too and it has nothing to do with being adopted - it has to do with the coolness level of your little family!!

Janna

[Nancy]

Hi, I came across your blog doing research for a totally unrelated topic, but... as it turns out, my husband and I are in the process of getting certified to adopt, and it is quite a learning experience.

We are being advised, (by a very reputable organization that works with many young pregnantwomen who choose the adoption route), NOT to include pictures or names in our profile, and to consider NOT having an open adoption, beyond letters and pictures the first few years. The submissive side of me says "well, they know best", but to the other 2/5 of me, this does not sit well.
I realize every situation is different, but I'd be interested in hearing more about yours, if you have time. My email address is ncarmichael05@yahoo.com.
Thanks!