Remember: Panic sells

I interrupt Chookooloonks for the following editorial:

Recently, several people have asked me my opinion about this story. Well, not so much "asked my opinion," as much as said something closer to: "DEAR GOD, DID YOU HEAR THAT STORY ABOUT A JUDGE WHO RIPPED THIS COUPLE'S CHILD FROM THEIR VERY ARMS, AND RETURNED THE CHILD TO THE BIRTHMOTHER? AREN'T YOU PETRIFIED?!?!? YOU COULD LOSE ALEX FOREVER!!!! And then they search my face for a reaction with their wide, panic-striken eyes.

For those of you who haven't read the story, it's a bit confusing. But basically, the facts appear to be as follows:

- BioMom gets pregnant.

- BioMom chooses Adoptive Parents to raise Kid.

- Adoptive Parents are present for Kid's birth, and take Kid home after 2 days.

- BioMom visits Adoptive Parents and Kid regularly.

- Right before the adoption is final (<-- Note: VERY important fact), BioDad pops up, contests the adoption and files claim for custody of Kid.

- The court finds that BioDad has the right to contest the adoption, and are about to award BioDad custody of Kid.

- Seeing BioDad about to get custody, BioMom goes "oh HELL, no," and files her OWN claim for custody of Kid.

- Hijinx ensue.

- Three-and-a-half years later, court awards BioMom custody of Kid.

Okay, I certainly see why this story is disturbing. I mean, here we have these poor adoptive parents who have bonded with this child for 3-1/2 years, only to be told that they're actually not mom & dad. I can't imagine their anguish.

That said, this story doesn't worry me about our adoption situation in the least. There are several reasons for this:

1) That was Florida, this is Texas. Adoption laws vary from state-to-state; and

2) At the time that BioDad contested the adoption, his rights were obviously not yet terminated. Alex's biodad's parental rights were terminated within 8 weeks of her birth; and finally

3) The adoption wasn't final. This is very important. Most people who relate this story to me seem to be under the impression that the judge reversed an adoption order -- this was not the case. The court simply refused to grant the adoption.

In our case, the adoption of Alex is oh-so-very final. What the Fort Bend County Court has decreed, let no man put asunder.

What does worry me about this story, however, is its effect on prospective adoptive parents. I worry that couples who may be considering adoption as their way to grow their family may be turned off by this story, believing that all (or a significant percentage of) adoptions fail, or are reversed, or are somehow "unofficial." I worry that waiting children may have to wait longer, because the press has chosen to sensationalize this particular story, making it appear to be the rule, rather than the exception. I worry that people will become anti- open adoptions, believing that all birthmothers are "stalkers" or "unable to let go."

So, as my public service announcement for today, let me state, unequivocally, to anyone contemplating adoption, the following:

1). The reason that you read about failed adoptions in the press is because failure sells. You don't hear about the successful, healthy adoptions because, let's face it, "successful" and "healthy" often aren't sexy. The truth is that a stunning majority of adoptions end happily, with well-adjusted adoptive parents parenting well-adjusted adopted kids.

2). That said, when entering into an adoptive relationship, remember that nothing can replace a good, knowledgeable adoption agency and/or attorney specializing in adoption. Adoption is tricky. Do NOT go this alone.

3) While all birthmothers certainly experience feelings of loss, they are NOT all "stalkers" or "unable to let go." With Alex's birthmother, I have never, EVER felt like she would stalk us, or contest the adoption, or do anything which threatened Alex or our relationship with Alex. And, remember, I say this in light of my January 16th post. Again, stories of stalker birthmoms sell. They are the exception, NOT the rule.

Don't get me wrong: adoption isn't easy. But it's not the nightmare the press likes to portray. And frankly, as happy as Marcus' life and my life have generally always been, adoption is the best thing that ever happened to us.

Period.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Chookooloonks.

Comments

[Lisa]

Karen, beautiful, well said, bravo.

These stories make news because they are news- they are unusual! They don't happen often, and they don't happen to finalized adoptions.

Legal mistakes were made on all sides. None of us can know who had legitimate moral claim to this child, in the end it was the birth parents who had legal claim.

The kind of complications that are more usual in adoptions are the same things that are overcome in all relationships- negotiations, give and take, sometimes its easy and sometimes it sucks, er, is challenging.

Karen I hate these stories to be the face of adoption. I would much rather think of Alex's lovely face.

I have 2 successful open adoptions- one for 13 years and one for 3. It works.

[Tina]

Thanks, Karen, for putting my exact feelings down in such an organized, concise way.

I, too, am deeply worried about what affect this will have on adoptions as a whole. As you have done, the best we, as adoptive parents, can do is spread the word and the truth that adoption - in all its various forms - is NOT like this horrible case or any of the other horrible cases that seem to linger in the minds of the general public.

Media SUCKS. Adoption ROCKS.

[MrsDoF]

You are a wise and eloquent woman.

[Grace]

Thank you for clarifying that whole situation. I'd heard inklings about it but I hadn't read the entire story. What's amazing is that the laws in each state can be so different.

[Sylvie]

Thank you so much for explaining this. I have been trying to put my family's fears to rest in regards to this, even though we are still at risk since we havent even been placed yet, but I wanted to post something on my blog, but since you have explained it so perfectly I will just post a link to your site! LOL!

[Erin]

Karen:

Thank you, thank you for this post. I received a panicked telephone call from my MIL after this story aired on CNN. I've been in let-me-tell-you-what-really-happened mode ever since.

I had a similar reaction to yours: please don't let this keep potential parents from pursuing adoption. We have had a wonderful adoption experience and I wouldn't trade being an adoptive family for anything. Ever.

I've had a beef with the media's portrayal of family-building alternatives for quite some time (anyone ever notice Law & Order always has a *crazy* infertile lady in its story line?) The media's depiction of this controversy shattered any intellectual credibility it may have once had.

Where are the adoptive parents in broadcasting?

[Amber]

Thank you for answering every concern I had, and I never even had to ask you! It's like you read my mind!

Always feel better when I have learned something...and today it felt exceptional!

No worries for Alex!! WOOHOOOOO!! Hug for me, please!

[marion]

Because I'm a news junkie, I've read a lot of these stories. Not one has included a signed, sealed, approved adoption that was actually reversed. What they tend to involve is a) a failure to cross all of the i's and dot all of the t's; and b) the adoptive parents using a lawyer who was not an adoption lawyer.

It's amazing how many bright, well-educated people I have heard say, when someone was thinking of adoption, "aren't you afraid that one day the birth mother might try to take the child back?" I think a lot of people really don't understand the importance -- for that matter, the concept -- of *legal* parenthood, as opposed to biological parenthood. I guess most people don't think about it until they're exposed to family law in one venue or another. It's not a concept easy to explain in short news stories, though a better job could be done.

Anyway, glad that you as Alex's legal and official mother and Marcus as Alex's legal and official father don't have to worry about any of that. :)

[Pink Poppy]

Hello! I am here on behalf of the membership of The Poppy Club. We appreciate the fabulosity of your blog and congratulate you on your recent success in The Best of Blogs Award competition. We are hosting a party to celebrate you and your fellow finalists and would be honored if you would join us to walk the Red Carpet and greet your fans:

Friday, Saturday and Sunday--January 21-23
The Tall Poppy Diaries
http://tall-poppy-diaries.blogspot.com

Attire: Black Tie
Red Carpet Opens at 12:01 on Friday, January 21

We hope that you and your friends can join us. And again, please accept our congratulations and best wishes for a very successful and happy 2005.

[Karen M]

Very well said, Karen. I was so mad when I heard that story that I still have a hard time talking about it. I think it points up the need for *federal* laws concerning adoption, not state by state. 3 1/2 years before an adoption is finalized? Gahhh.

As for "stalker" birthparents - the one thing that we're a little concerned about is that Alena's birthmom will decide to *not* have a relationship. That's one thing that's been on my mind lately - not that she's going to show up at the door and throw her into a van.

[Crystal]

This was a great post. As the mom of a beautiful adopted 6 month old son, I have also received these wonderful calls. I assumed when I heard this story that it wasn't final. I also assumed that the birthfather's rights weren't finalized. And, I also assumed that the press DID NOT report the WHOLE STORY. They really kill me! I pray for all involved but I also know first hand that adoption has been a long and sometimes difficult road to travel but very worth the journey. Our adoption will be final within the next couple of months and both the birth mother and birth father's rights have been terminated.