October 2008

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alex's life book

  • In early 2006, I began creating a life book for my daughter, Alex. Click here for links to articles describing my experience.
  • And for those of you who are more digitally inclined, in late 2006, I recreated key pages of Alex's lifebook for an article I wrote for AlphaMom, using Scrapblog.

    You can see the final digital result (and leave comments, if you'd like!) here.

what's been on my nikon lately

  • And you can view my favourites here.

if i'm not here, i'm here

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I completely understand those prayers, as I say them myself. Sorry for your disappointment, but in my experience, it usually means something that will provide me with an even deeper experience is just around the bend. Peace to you today.


I sat here reading this, just nodding along vigorously, because this is EXACTLY how I feel, though I've never traveled the world, nor even been off the North American continent. The event that brought it all screaming home to me was the death of my own father, too young and too suddenly, shockingly, just over two years ago. When I had trouble grieving "too long," family members tried the tactic of reminding me just how many people in the world didn't even have the privelege of reaching adulthood with both parents, and how many more never knew one or both parents at all before losing them...THAT. DIDN'T. HELP. My frame of mind. But now, my thought process is similar to yours, and I, too, pray things like, "Just let me get her safely to the other side of childhood, please...let me see her become a self-assured adult, a wife, a mother..."

And before I thought I'd ever have a family, I had extravagant dreams of "seeing the world." I just never understood the possibility of my current reality: that my world is RIGHT HERE WITH ME.


gosh what a gorgeous post. nearly made me cry.


Not sure if this would be considered too honest but.........

Thank you Lord!!!! Of course the experience would have been great but I am totally relieved. What a beautiful post. Alex and Marcus look great!

karen t

So true -I say those desperate little prayers too. Please...just a little more time. Children change the way we look at everything. She is one super cutie though that Alex. Look at those sweet little ears!


Awww. Does that mean no paperclip?


I have a Buddhist saying in my journal that reads:

A good path is free from torture and groaning and suffering.

Not going to Haiti was simply a part of your good path.

Be well.


Disappointment and relief are such warring feelings, but totally understandable in this case.

Your daughter is gorgeous. Your husband's not too shabby either.

I think this is the first time I've commented here, but I've been reading for a while and really enjoy your blog.


You should read "The Female Brain" by Dr. Louann Brizendine. It explains how the architecture & chemistry of a brain is changed by becoming a parent. I found it riveting and revealing.


Everything happens for a reason...give them extra hugs!

The NON-Superwoman

Amen and amen! Marriage and mommyhood changes everything. This entry resonated with me so much! Been loving your blog and your little one. Do you believe in arranged marriages? *smile*

Island Spice

sweet. you have be near tears in the people and dem office... Well, I am still that girl who thinks my education, travels and experience make my life full. Can't see where that will ever change for me.. but I am happy it has for you. :)
I am trying to never 'accidentally' work for the Hezbollah again tho. ;)


Island Spice --

NOTHING in the above was meant to suggest that my life wasn't full BEFORE. Trust me, it was full, and it was a very happy life.

I meant to say that my life is still full, but in a very different way. And in a way that now makes me irrationally afraid to get on airplanes. ;o)



I know this isn't the first time I've said this after reading one of your posts, but this is exactly how I feel. Before I was a mom, I did a lot of random road trip traveling, sleeping in my car or crashing on friend's couches, finding myself in what I would now consider to be scary parts of cities and not even think twice about it. Once Gage was born - forget it. I'm sure I had some sort of post-baby depression because I was scared to tears at times. I locked every door and was completely terrified to go anywhere, let alone travel.

Gage is turning eleven soon and I am just now starting to feel safe again, like my mommy horomones have finally calmed down. (Which is ironic, because he's actually reaching an age where his hormones could get him into trouble.) I've realized that all we can do is focus on our positive energy, raise them right and accept that their lives (and this world) is beyond anything we can control.

Breathe in, breathe out.


Amen to that. I too used to love to travel, and while I still do, I developed a fear of flying and dying I never had before kids. Sometimes I envy my jetsetting friends (well, more mundane business travel), not so much for the travel but for their total calmness about flying. I'm much more risk averse after becoming a mommy, but doesn't mean my wild boys don't get hurt pretty much every other day :)

Raw Vegan Momma

Wow! You must have been in my head. I was thinking about this a few days ago. My life has changed so much since my daughter has been born. I switched jobs so I wouldn't have to travel and I put one of my passions, skydiving, on hold for a looonnng time. I look at my daughter and know she is worth it. I say little prayers as well. :-)


Funny, I was thinking of you eariler today and wondering (ok, worrying) about your trip to Haiti -- because that's the sort of worrying maternal figure that I am. Sorry for the disappointment but other adventures await. And, boy, do I understand about the shifting worlds since I had my first (and only) child at 41. Good for you, I say. So many blessings!


When I went to adopt our daughter in Russia, I almost had a nervous breakdown over the fact that I HAD to fly, which put my sons at the risk of losing their mother; but me NOT flying would mean that my new daughter wouldn't HAVE a mother. Nearly made my head explode. Worries and stresses (and pseudo-ulcers) I never would have anticipated....hello, parenthood! I hear you, I really do.


I never post comments on blogs. I read a lot of blogs, seriously, *a lot* of blogs, but I never comment. But tonight, sitting in a hotel room several states away from my six month old baby girl, traveling for the first time without her, and reading this post and seeing that picture of Alex, I had to comment.

And really, all I wanted to say is that I understand, and you have a very beautiful little girl.


You are one of the most inspiring, caring, beautiful women I've met (figuratively speaking) on the web. You have such insight on the things that really matter in this world.

I am petrified to fly. I use to work for an airline. My fear of flying wasn't as bad as it is now. I cannot go to an airport without breaking out into a cold sweat and feeling nauseous. The thought of flying makes me feel...anxious. And to put my kids, my husband, or myself on a plane...is unthinkable.

When you say you aren't done being a mother to Alex...I completely understand. I am not ready to stop being mom. I feel as though I just started. I am not ready to stop being a wife, because I have only just started. Some things tend to put what is important in life into prospective. And I think you have it so right! Much Love!

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